February 11, 2008

Observations

The Republican Party Brings You: Very Special V-Day Love

by kelly deal

by LOBSTERGIRL (I am just posting for her)


From McCain:

"Roses are red,
violets are blue.
Vote for me if you want
your great-great-great grandson
to be in Iraq too!"

"Violets are blue,
Roses are red.
By 2010
I could be dead."

"Roses are red,
Grass is green.
Listen you asshole,
who said I was mean?"

"Roses are red
violets are blue.
I dumped my first wife
when she became disabled and fat!"


Oh hey, here's one from Huckabee:

"Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
My wife Janet's subservient
and you will be too!"

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August 23, 2007

Open Letters

Iraq = Vietnam, THE JOKE IS ON YOU!!

by Erin Black

LobsterGirl actually came up with this but since she is allergic to blogs and I don't know her password, history will remember that it was I who was clever!

So Bush is now saying if only we had stayed in Vietnam and finished the job, we would've won. Bold!

I bet if Cheney and Bush had fought, they would've been the straw that broke the Viet Cong's back. And we would've won.


Hello, Pentagon!

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August 20, 2007

Open Letters

I-CALL Bullshit

by kelly deal

Dear The Internets:

Re: this new fangled "adventure" the neo-hippie kids are supposedly taking these days called "phrogging."

You will probably see this on that flashy new YouTube Gone Real News program called I-CAUGHT!* tomorrow night. And while I don't doubt kids of all ages have been sneaking into homes for decades, stealing beer and maybe partaking in a few acts of vandalism, let's remember the lessons learned from The Blair Witch Project and just call bullshit on this "phrogging documentary" right now before you spend every night checking behind the shower curtains of your 3rd and 4th guest bathrooms of your McMansion before betime, shall we?

The voice "acting" alone of the couple who supposedly own the home featured in this "phrogging documentary" in like, scene 2 of day 2 is so, so bad, I can't believe you could actually take it seriously.

I may eat my words, but I don't think so.

Thankful to live in a studio apartment without much hiding-space for 'phroggers,'
Kelly


*to be pronounced with the same over exaggerated enthusiasm of "JUST JACK!" from Will & Grace fame

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March 21, 2007

Consumer Advice

phrases not to use when letting someone down easy

by amy

"So, kiddo, this just isn't going to work out."

"We're not going to be just friends, so why bother mentioning it?"

"Sit up straight while I'm talking to you."

"I think you're nice and all, but I'd be too embarassed to introduce you to my friends and family."

"Desperation really isn't sexy."

"Call me when you've grown a pair. Also, please buy yourself some new shoes."

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February 13, 2007

Observations

a very special Valentine

by Lobstergirl

Coming in on the train today, passed an apartment with a big pink poster filling one window: "I HEART MY PERIOD."

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August 1, 2006

Observations

Reason #817 why I hate Bluetooth headset accessories

by Erin Black

Moments ago...

Erin: (holding a jug of aloe vera juice) Hey kid! YOU WANNA GET HIGH?!

Roommate: I'm on the phone!

Erin: Oops!

Roommate: Yeah so anyway, Mom....

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July 28, 2006

Unpopular Opinions

the decine of Katherine Harris has not been an entirely unsatisfying one

by Erin Black

Final proof that artificial sweeteners EAT YOUR BRAIN!

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July 26, 2006

Consumer Advice

GOP COINTEL

by Erin Black

This afternoon I signed up for a chair massage offered by my company every Thursday and noticed a warning in small print below the sign up sheet: We will not work on anyone who is knowingly pregnant. To which I thought, what the hell does this massage entail? So I go back to my desk and ask my desk neighbors: "Do you think I could get knocked up in the next 24 hours?"

"No."

"Maybe...?"

"Yes, but it wouldn't show up on a pregnancy test for 2 or 3 days."


A few hours later...


"Hey, did you know that if the Republicans take the Congress in November their big agenda item is going to be restrict and eventually BAN massages?"

"What?"

"Why?"

"Because people are totally using them as home abortions!"

"Where did you hear that?"

"A blog!"

"That sucks."

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June 22, 2006

Consumer Advice

name change request

by amy

Instead of "underwires" I'm leaning more towards "sharp metal objects whose only desire is to be free of their fabric channels and rather imbedding deep into soft, soft flesh"--but that might be too many syllables.

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June 15, 2006

Unsolicited Confessions

Happy Hardcore girl starts 200bpm

by Erin Black

I forgot to set the alarm last night and slept 11.5 hours last night (I average 6.5). I made up for the induced lethargy with half a pot a coffee Tara Reid-style and now I have mosquito brain. Deadlines! zah! Meetings! zoh! Projects! zeeeeeee!

On the plus side, my complexion is glowing and I'm speaking 128 words per minute.

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